Used and Abused
by Jonouchi Katsuya
Summary: OLD!FIC AND WILL NOT EDIT FOR NOW. curse is upon Kaiba centric plots. Most of them contain the same plot devices used over and over. This fic is to make fun of those ever so classic stories.
1. Jounouchi for Hire

**A/N: Jounouchi gets hired by Kaiba. How many times have we read or used this plot device for puppyshipping? Even I've used it. It is not even like it is something that Kaiba would do to himself. So, I proudly present the overused plot device:**

**JOUNOUCHI FOR HIRE**

Once upon a time, there was just your everyday average, sexy, blond dude strollin' down the street lookin' for work. His hair was a mess and it hadn't been cut properly in years because he was so darned poor. His jeans were torn and he had ketchup stains on his white tee shirt from all the hotdogs he consumes on a day to day basis. His name was Jounouchi, Katsuya. Everyone just calls him Jounouchi.

After looking in so many different places for a job, he had to finally swallow his pride and apply for a job at the evil gaming corporation known as KaibaCorp. The president and owner was corrupted by his lust for power. He was a ruthless businessman and duelist. These unsavory qualities made Seto Kaiba, Jounouchi's sworn enemy.

Despite how far in the world Seto Kaiba was, he was still only a teenager. He was blessed with a height that made him tower over most other Japanese people. Seto Kaiba has ice cold eyes with a heart to match. His hair is a rich chocolate brown that looks mesmerizing, I mean, irresistible, uggghh, suspicious in the wind. How does his hair do that and then become so in place with in a few seconds? No one will ever know.

Looking over Jounouchi's résumé, Kaiba couldn't help but chuckle at how pitiful it was that a loser like Jounouchi would dare to apply for a job at his company. _That boy couldn't even be an affective janitor, _he thought. Then, a devious plan came to the CEO's mind. So he called Jou in for an interview, plotting his evil plot the entire time.

During the interview Kaiba stared at Jounouchi perversely. "So, how many places did you look for work before you came to KaibaCorp on your hands and knees?" Kaiba licked his lip.

Jounouchi, with apprehension stated, " J-Just about everywhere else…" he sighed.

"What sorts of places did you not apply?" Kaiba smirked and leaned back in his big office chair.

"Mostly just places that only hire women…" Jounouchi figited, as Kaiba's actions made him uncomfortable.

"Hm," Kaiba stood up and pulled something out of his pocket.

"So," Jou stood up, "Is that all? I am not hired am I?"

"Your work attire has already been mailed," Kaiba put on his sunglasses and left his office.

Jou had no idea what to the hell to think. "What the- What just happened?"

When Jounouchi went back home his dad threw a package at him, "Note on it says you got a job. Proud of ya, son!" Jounouchi's dad retired back to the couch that was surrounded by beer bottles. It was nice to have his dad so proud of him. But he wasn't so sure he should be with how easily he obtained this job. _It was… too easy, _Jounouchi thought.

Jounouchi went to his room and opened the package in private. His eyes widened, then felt a firey ball of anger well up inside the pit of his stomach. _Kaiba, that bastard. _

Jounouchi arrived to work on time and reported directly to Kaiba's office. "You really expect me to wear this? Ya sick perv!"

"Why, yes I do Jounouchi. Put it on mutt. Don't forget to curtsy," Kaiba waved his hand bye and Isono escorted him out.

When Jounouchi returned, he was wearing a pink maid outfit with ribbons in his hair and bows all over the costume. Jounouchi had his hands on either side of the garment trying to pull it down as it was pretty short. His face was completely flushed with embarrassment and anger.

Kaiba couldn't stop laughing. "Aahhh. Don't worry _sweet princess_, you look _very pretty _in that outfit," Kaiba covered his mouth to try and stop his laughter. "Pink is your color isn't it?"

"This is not funny," Jounouchi crossed his arms allowing the dress to go up a bit further revealing more of his shapely thighs. "What is it exactly did you hire me to do?"

Kaiba dropped his pen, "Oops!" Kaiba raised an eyebrow as Jounouchi's lips tightened. "Pick it up. My hands can't seem to reach it," Kaiba put his hand on his face then started snickering again.

Jounouchi rolled his eyes and picked up the pen and placed it firmly on Kaiba's desk. "There ya go… _boss."_

Kaiba was feeling really great about this. He dropped the pen again and when Jounouchi bent over to pick it up, he pinched Jounouchi's bubble butt and Jounouchi squeeked then growled as if to make up for the completely unmasculine sound he just made.

Jounouchi totally quit that job after only one week of working, but it really gave Kaiba a good laugh. And they sorta lived happily ever after.

_The End._

**NEXT TIME: Kaiba Don't Eat**


	2. Kaiba Don't Eat

**A/N: Kinda strange. I get that Kaiba is busy but I don't think he ever purposefully goes without food. A lot of people seem to like to accuse him of being anorexic as a plot point. This is always done with humor and usually involving Mokuba trying to force-feed him something fried. So with that I present to you the overused plot device:**

**Kaiba Don't Eat**

One day, it was quite an unusual day, but Kaiba was sitting with his frienemies at Dairy Queen. Pegasus, whom need not be described, was at the counter ordering ice cream for presumably everyone. To Kaiba's right sat Duke Devlin, and to his left, someone far more vile, Siegfried: this day was very unfortunate.

Siegfried was a beautiful young man, with long, flowing, ugly, pink hair and a rose always in hand. The whole time Kaiba was waiting for Pegasus to get back with his ice cream, Siegfried was trying to touch him. And Kaiba, being Kaiba, would pull his hands and body away from the creeper. But resistance was futile; Siegfried finally got a hold of one of Kaiba's hands and was gently stroking it.

Duke, the whore with long black hair contained in a messy ponytail, was busy talking about all the sex him and Pegasus were having, as well as all the sex he was having with fangirls. He was positively disgusting. He would not leave any detail to be imagined about Pegasus's body. Kaiba already knew what it looked like thanks to Pegasus infecting his computer with a dreadful virus. It made Kaiba want to upchuck.

However, knowing he was going to get some yummy ice cream for his pain, really helped. Kaiba loves ice cream. Doesn't matter how fattening it is, that is what working out is for. Eating ice cream was one of the few pleasant childhood memories for him.

When Pegasus got back, he was only holding three ice creams. _Okay,_ thought Kaiba, _he is going back to get mine. _Much to Kaiba's dismay, Pegasus sat down next to Duke and almost immediately started making lude gestures and commentary about the ice cream. They both had vanilla ice cream and were comparing it to certain bodily secretions.

"Pegasus, you have a little bit dripping on your chin," Duke smiled and pointed where it was at and Pegasus touched the wrong side of his face like an idiot. "Here let me get it!" What followed was something nobody wanted to see. Duke licked it off of Pegasus's cheek. Siegfried just laughed. Kaiba… wanted to leave. _But that ice cream…_

"Okay, Okay. Enough already. Where is my ice cream?" Kaiba asked.

"Oh… I thought you were anorexic," Pegasus stated.

"Me too…" Duke said. "I have never seen you eat."

"I eat! I also love ice cream!" Kaiba's anger was building.

Siegfried sat quietly eating his ice cream. Everyone was staring at Kaiba who was now standing. "Okay, I will go get you some ice cream Kaiba-boy. No need to get into a tizzy!"

"Yeah!" Duke agreed.

"You want some of mine Kaiba?" Siegfried said nicely offering his ice cream.

"No, I want my own," Kaiba gritted through his teeth. _I should have just stayed at home._

Pegasus went back to the counter and ordered Kaiba an ice cream and brought it back to him. Kaiba grabbed the ice cream and left the Dairy Queen. Everyone scowled when Kaiba just took the ice cream and left.

Getting back into his limo, Roland had the audacity to ask how it went. Kaiba gave no response and took full pleasure in the ice cream he had received. _So good..._

And Kaiba lived happily ever after with his ice cream.

FIN~

****Yeah I totally used the English names for this fic. :P OH and if you have an overused Kaiba centric plot you want me to write about please feel free to message me.**

**NEXT TIME: Mokie needs a Babysitter!**


	3. Babysitter for Mokuba

**A/N: This has got to be one of the more ridiculous plots in Kaiba-centric fanfiction. Mokuba needing a babysitter is- well he just doesn't need one. Not only is Mokuba old enough to watch himself, he is 10-11 years old after all, but he is the vice president of KaibaCorp. I just**_** love**_** how people forget that. If anyone needs a babysitter it is Seto, not Mokuba. :P**

**Usually when people use this plot it is to get into Kaiba's pants by taking care of Mokuba. Sadly enough, they never use Isono, instead it is always an OC or Jounouchi! He wouldn't trust either of them no matter if it is puppy eyes or charm. So I am here to present you this overused and abused plot point:**

**Babysitter for Mokuba**

One dark and stormy night, Kaiba had a business venture that took him really far away. Mokuba needed a babysitter that could stay the night. But whom could Kaiba possibly trust? Might be easier to think about whom he doesn't trust… more options.

_Malik,_ he thought to himself, _now that seems like a great idea._ So anyway, Kaiba called Malik on his cellphone.

"Hello, is this Malik?" Kaiba held the phone away from his ear as the person on the phone was mouth breathing.

"Yeah, this is Malik?" a gruff voice responded. Whimpers could be heard in the background.

"You busy?" Kaiba asked.

"No, not at all," _Malik _laughed.

"Can you babysit Mokuba? I have business to attend to," Kaiba was getting anxious; he had to leave soon!

"Yeah sure! How much you payin' me?"

"$600," Kaiba coldly stated.

"I will be right over there!" Malik said excitedly. Kaiba heard a click on the other line.

With-in 16 minutes Marik was at the Kaiba mansion. The gates opened and Marik wanted to stay round and look at the koi pond but it was raining all over his pretty hair, so he ran like a sissy to the door and and banged on it to be let in. Isono answered the door.

" has been waiting for your arrival," Isono stated. Malik grinned and walked into the drawing room. He helped himself to some sparkling cider that was provided on the coffee table as he waited for Kaiba to show him where to go.

Twenty minutes later, Kaiba walked in and started rambling about responsibility and such. Malik simply sipped his cider and thought about how he was going to spend $600. He thought about how he should babysit for Kaiba more often. There is a lot of money in it. However, he remembered that he is also filthy rich, so he doesn't need blood money from "Mr. Pomposity".

The first thing Malik did when Kaiba left the mansion was call up an old friend. "Yo, Bakura!"

"What? I can come in now?" Bakura asked.

"Yes, Mr. Stick-up-the-butt as well as his lackey, has vacated the building!"

"Finally… I can get out of these bushes. What was taking him so long to leave anyway; I thought he had places to go right away?" Bakura questioned.

"I don't know. Maybe he was putting on his make up. He also gave me this long lecture about God knows what on how to take care of Mokuba," Malik rolled his eyes. "I didn't pay much attention."

Bakura opened the door and hung up his cell phone. "Oh, I know how to take care of Mokuba," Bakura had this evil glint in his eye.

"Bakura, just what are you thinking?" Malik asked.

Bakura raced up stairs and Malik followed. Malik thought about how cute Bakura's butt was. He loved how either he, or Ryou dressed himself like that with clothing that fit, unlike Kaiba. _Why does Kaiba wear ill-fitting clothing? _Malik thought, _his coats are way too big for him and I know he could afford a tailor._

When Bakura and Malik reached the top of the stairs, they begun to realize just how big this mansion was. Sure, it is a mansion but what door should they open to find Mokuba? Luckily, Mokuba walked out of the game room.

"Hey, you guys are my babysitters?" Mokuba asked, raising an eyebrow at his brother's choice.

"Yes," Bakura said. All of a sudden Bakura's ring began to glow and it knocked Mokuba out.

"That was easy," Malik said.

"Yeah I know," Bakura looked vaguely disappointed.

Malik bit his bottom lip nervously as he started to walk down the hallway. He looked back at Bakura playfully. Bakura started to run and Malik knew the game was on. They opened the door at the very end of the hallway to find a very nice bedroom.

"We should bring Mokuba in here to make sure his body is ok," Malik suggested. Bakura thought it was a good idea too so he brought him in the room and laid him spread eagle on the floor. Malik raised an eyebrow at the positioning.

"What? He looks cute like that!" Bakura laughed then closed the door.

Malik made little growly noises at his lover. He immediately took off his own shirt to reveal his sexy muscles and turned around because he knew Bakura just loved that scar of a bad childhood he had going on. Bakura wrapped his white arms around the latté, fem-doll boy.

"You know I can't resist that body of yours," he said in a low gruff voice. Malik could feel how aroused Bakura was by now. He turned around in Bakura's arms then nipped at his ears. Bakura pushed Malik down on the soft bed.

They made out for a long time as Mokuba's unconscious body lay on the floor.

When Kaiba came home, Mokuba was awake and watching in curiousity as Malik was skillfully giving the mysterious white haired male the reach around.

" You sick bastards! Get out of my house!" Kaiba yelled.

Malik, scared shitless, ran out of the room clothes in hand. However, the white haired male wasn't so lucky. He grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him back in the room. Mokuba slinked out before he could get into trouble for liking the show.

"How could you get involved in something like this Ryou?" Kaiba asked, concern weighed heavy in his voice.

Ryou gulped. "I-I woke up and that guy… was all over me... and- and. Please forgive me Kaiba it was all my fault. Send me to jail for all of the horrible things your brother had to witness do to my-" Kaiba put a finger over Ryou's mouth.

"You aren't the first person that Mokuba has corrupted. He is a sick kid." Kaiba looked down and sighed. Ryou, still naked and shamed was trying to hide his face rather than his parts.

"Wait, Mokuba?" Ryou questioned.

"Yeah, for some reason any baby-sitter I hire for him ends up naked and having sex with some stranger," Kaiba pondered this. "I have been trying to figure out why for quite a while now."

"Still there must be something I could do to make up for this mess," Ryou stated still worried that Kaiba would press charges on him.

With a sly look in his eye, Kaiba closed the door to his bedroom. Mokuba could hear sweet sounds coming from the room. "Yes!" Mokuba did a victory dance. _Knew he was looking at one of those two._

**A/N: What a plot twist. PFFT! Anyways next time we will deal with the lovable overused plot: Fix My Duel Disk!**


End file.
